Okay, so DJK is again in the news. Personally, I'm tired of his saga and would like to move on. But, I received an email this week from a die hard Hawk fan that wanted to get their message out. This person, who shall remain anonymous (their wishes), wanted their "Ten ideas for DJK Now" posted on a blog and since I'm out of ideas I said sure. I'm a sucker for content. So, without further blah, blah, blah, here is an open letter from
Hawkeye Fan X.
Ten Ideas for DJK NOW
by: Hawkeye Fan X
(For the purposes of this open letter, the author will assume the
reader knows who DJ Koulianos is, hereafter known as DJK. Readers should know
the author is a season-ticket-holding Iowa graduate who was an
admirer of DJK during his time on the Iowa Football team.)
According to data on Livestrong.com the average career length of an
NFL Player is 3.3 years. Common knowledge is most of them are broke 10
years after their football career ends due to entourage-heavy
lifestyles, which DJK seems to be living, minus the NFL salary.
Here are 10 ideas for what DJK (or any other young person) with a
dream deferred could do to be a better person in 3.3 years' time.
...Or he could join the military, which would take care of all of the
below in one action.
1. Quit being weird on Twitter. Quit twitter. No one really enjoys
your odd, pointless, immature missives, they follow for the weirdness,
the novelty, to be a starfucker. Twitter isn’t real, it’s a real waste
of time.
2. Travel. It’s obvious you haven’t been anywhere, and even if you do
have stamps in your passport, that's the only place that travel made a
mark. Get out of Chicago, Iowa City, or wherever else you've been
living, as soon as you are clear with the law. California is not the
answer, everyone in California is an entitled airhead. You are an
attractive man, but you lack substance behind the eyes, which
translates into vapid photos. What kind of modeling are you actually
qualified to do? You're not famous enough for endorsements, wrong
height for runway, too undisciplined for commercials. If you’re
modeling in order to travel, just go to Europe unfettered by
fake-work. Learn to travel alone. Learn how lucky you are to live in
the United States. Learn how lucky you are to get ice in your drink in
Germany. See architecture, see culture, see how quiet it is without
the sounds of girls, Twitter, the media, the roar of Kinnick.
3. Work on mental fitness. Your dad, your attorney? Nice guys, but
they have spoiled you. Find a licensed counselor and meet with them
regularly. Ideally, this will be someone with a lot of life
experience. It will not be anyone associated with the entertainment or
sports worlds. You need a LOT of therapy to become a functioning,
love-reciprocating, responsible adult.
4. Get educated. Go to the library and check out some books. Go back
to class. Finish your degree. Get an advanced degree. Get degrees in
something that is actually marketable, given this rotten economy.
Perform academically as if there had been a career-ending injury and
the NFL was never a possibility. Focus on learning to write in AP
style. Forget the slurred, made up words and arcane acronyms. No one
knows or cares about MPOD. ( Author’s note—I did not actually look
into what MPOD stands for.)
5. Do charity work. Do charity work you may not get recognized for.
Don’t lend your celebrity to the charity, do the actual work. If the
charity has a PR person worth a shit, they will use your celebrity
properly. They can’t use your celebrity properly if you show up with
manicured hands, so, bring a pair of gloves and be prepared to pull
weeds or paint or generally get dirty.
6. Get a manual labor job. You learned hard work on the team, prove
that you can keep it up. You will meet good people, you will learn a
trade and most of all, you will get a paycheck. Once you get a year’s
worth of paychecks, you can get a financial advisor, and start saving
for retirement. There are more millionaires than you know, who started
with little more than a shovel.
7. Stay off drugs. Stay away from drugs. Cut anyone who takes or sells
drugs out of your life completely. It doesn’t matter if they are
somewhat legal some places, they aren’t legal everywhere and they
haven’t done a THING for your life so far.
8. Stay in shape, but stay out of the gym. The attitude in the gym is
not going to get you where you need to be.
9. Quit Girls. Flirting seems to be your favorite distraction from
productivity. You have plenty of time, and you’ll meet a better
caliber of woman once you’re older.
10. Get off the Hawkeye radar. You are done with the team now. The
Hawks have a season to focus on, they don’t need or want to be
thinking about YOU.